alicethewaif

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:00:39 GMT

The leaves began to change yesterday. I saw the first reds and yellows on branches that are still, mostly, brillilantly green.

Where did all the good things go?

I miss cool fingers against my cheek and long hair tickling my collarbone. I want to hold my cat on my shoulder all day and feel her wamth and her heartbeat against my neck. I want to go down to the beach in the pouring rain and crash against the waves. I want to take a plane and two trains and a bus to Hamatonbetsu. I'd walk to the edge of the city at dawn and look down the highway.

If I could, I'd go out there and tell someone everything I know, but all I'd find is that words are not enough. Not enough for sunsets and sunflowers and for the way the moonlight hits your skin, or for the smell of apple tea, or the way it feels to know that there's nothing you can do.

God hates me.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 05:12:56 GMT

I swear, this has got to be the absolute worst week ever.

Let's list them: I get sick, I lose my iPod, I get caught shoplifting, I chip a tooth.

I hate to tempt fate, but I don't think it could get much worse unless I died.

Fresh

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 00:21:34 GMT

New school, new life.

New people to meet, new reputations to make and break.

I will be thin, I will be beautiful, I will be flawless.

fuck it.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 06:01:22 GMT

Why does my brain like to interpret anything and everything that happens as some sort of 'sign'? Even when I know it's not. It just messes with my head more.

So I found the ring, so we're meant to be together.
Fat chance, you fat fuck.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 05:19:43 GMT

Really? Is that all that this is, all that it ever was?

I can't believe you would just turn around and get off that bus without a word. It makes me nauseous.
I always thought you were always the good one. I don't know who you are anymore. But maybe you don't know me, either. Maybe it's my fault for becoming this superficial shell of a thing I used to be. But at least I talk, now.
I used to wish I had given it up to you, because I'd never find another one like you, as good as you, but now I wonder. Now, I think that if I had given it up to you, so many months ago, I might regret it now, in the instant that you turned around and got off without even a goodbye.

All I needed was for you to turn around and kiss me, and that would have been enough. It didn't even have to mean anything. But you didn't. And it kills me.
I think I might hate you. But it still hurts, and I'm not sure why. I don't love you anymore, I don't think. Maybe it's the death of hope, of the ultimate dream. Because after that, you don't get to be a child anymore, no matter how hard you try.

fuck

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:59:04 GMT

I don't want to, can't deal with my mother anymore.

She calls all my friends liars and whores and drug addicts. She makes snide remarks about my ex, day in and day out, and every single time, I want to scream and cry and hit her.
And today I was PMSing like crazy, and she decided to have another go at my emotions.
Well I freaked out and slapped her and hit her, and tried to push her down the stairs.

Now I feel so terrible, not as much because I hit her, but more because I felt better after doing it.

I don't want to become that person, ever.

.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:52:11 GMT

I tried out to be a model, because my best friend convinced me to. She said it would be fun if we could work together, do shoots together.

Well I got shot down.

Probably because I'm a fat cow.

the reality of summer

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:47:21 GMT

I'm managing to maintain at about a kilo under what I normally maintain at. And somehow, I look fatter than ever. I still need to lose weight. There are small wrinkles on my tummy, and I don't know if it's because I'm still too fat, or if it's because I lost so much weight. They're not wrinkly-looking like cellulite, just a few long, straight, parallel lines on my lower tummy. I want to lose more. Not a ton more, but a significant amount. So my hip bones stick out, and my tummy is flat, and when I stretch a little, you can see my ribs.

I'm going to start dance classes tomorrow. I'm excited about that. I'm horrid at dancing, not an ounce of talent and I haven't ever taken lessons or taught myself, but I love it. It feels so good, even when you sweat and your throat feels dry. It's exhilarating.

It's too warm. I was so excited for summer, but that it's really here, I'm left bored, lonely, and sweating out of my skin. I want to go swimming like crazy with all my friends, but I also want to look sexy and slender in my Ralph Lauren bikini, and that's easier said than done. As if that'll ever happen. No matter how thin I get, I know I'll never be slender, and it kills me. My hip bones are too big, too wide, too alien to the rest of my body. They're a freakshow in themself.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:01:49 GMT

I'm so excited for summer, I feel like it's going to overflow and spill out of me like white light.

I'm going to stay up all day and all night. I'm going to run through fields of flowers under the sun and dance until my legs give out by the moon. I'm going to travel through a wirlwind frenzy of romances with strangers, trampling on hearts, until the only option left will be to change my name and move to New York. I'll sing loud and clear in the city streets, until I'm left gasping for air, with everyone and anyone who will join me. I'll make something gigantic and beautiful and terrible, and I'll put it all out there for the world to see.

After all, what else is there?

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 05:07:05 GMT

I want a girlfriend like crazy. I've been single for what feels like such an incredibly long time, and it just makes me feel so alone.

A cute girl with short scruffy hair, who doesn't care that my hipbones are far too wide to look anywhere near proportionate, who doesn't worry too much when I don't eat, who doesn't mind that my jeans never ever fit right. A girl who's down to earth, who doesn't play hard to get, who's sweet and sincere, and who can just tell me outright how she feels. One who thinks that my ridiculous clumsiness and lack of coordination are totally adorable, who will kiss me in front of anyone.

I'm probably asking for too much, but I can't help but wish.

Oh baby,

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:19:30 GMT

I got voted 'hottest' and 'most gorgeous' on facebook, and I just started up my account.
That makes me way happy.
I never ever expected that.

I ate way too much today, though.
I split a Wendy's meal with my friend, and had my own Frosty.
But my dad is being an asshole and kicking me off the computer, so I guess all there is left to do is work out.
Be positive, right?
I will be thin.
I will.

やったぁ！

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 02:42:12 GMT

今日の朝、体重を量ったら５７．０になってましたっ！
今まで一番低い体重です！
もぅ、嬉しくてたまらない！
あと２、３キロだけっ！
みんな応援してくださいねっ！

It started with ankles and angles.

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:48:31 GMT

It's these hips, these thighs that I can't learn to love. The jeans that are somehow too big and too small at the same time, they'll never ever fit right. These wrists, so teeny-tiny, the only part of me that seems okay.

It's tearing through my wardrobe every single day in the frustration that comes with the rush of early mornings, and the hopes that the next shirt won't make me look like a blimp, even though I already know it will.

It keeps me so cold, I desperately wish the weather would warm up. These days, after going to the bathroom, I'll let my hands hibernate under the hot water faucette, never wanting to tear myself away, until it starts to burn and my skin turns bright red, and some days even that doesn't stop me.

ああもう。

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 01:03:41 GMT

金曜日、また５８キロ以下に戻れたのにぃ。

次の日、ソーニャとベルスクにいって、四時ぐらいまでは大丈夫だったんだけど、そしたらソーニャが「レッドロビンに食べに行こう」って言うもんだから、食べに行って、チーズスティックとオニオンリングまで食べてしまった！
そして、今日の朝はまだ５８．０で大丈夫なトコだったんだけど、そしたらお母さんがお昼に寿司つくって、結構たくさん食べちゃった。ちょっと食べ過ぎ　た感じ。胸悪っ。
今日の夜、何も食べなければまだ良いトコに保てると思うんだけど、ちょっと不安。

まぁ、みんなも頑張って！

Sat, 31 May 2008 05:29:50 GMT

明日、買い物にいきまぁすっ！もぉ、ずっと行ってないからすっごく楽しみ。クゥッ、たまらない！

ダイエットなんてきらい。でも、やるっきゃないよね。
いま、５８．５キロぐらい。それって適当に言って１３０ポンドです。一生懸命カロリを減らして、キントレしてるのに、そこまで着いたらそれ以上全然減らないんです。くやしい。むずい。１２０ポンドが一応ゴールだけど、１２５にでもなれたらすっごくうれしい。

ああもう、いや。
今夜はあとシャワーと寝るだけ。

おやすみなさい。

砂糖無しジェロー

Fri, 30 May 2008 02:26:22 GMT

これ、本当に美味しいです。一箱丸ごと食べてもたったの４０cal ですよ。

ちなみに今日、新しいana友をみつけました。前からもいい友達だったけど、それまでそんな事話した事なかったのです。すっごくいいモチベーションになっています。きょう、パン少しとお茶とそのジェローだけです。チーズスナック食べちゃうトコを一人で止められました。すっごくいい感じです。
土曜日、その子と一緒大きいきれいなドレスを着て映画を見に行くことになっています。けっこう楽しみ！

Facebook　作ってみました。まだあんまり友達見つけていませんけど、すぐに増えるはずです。

じゃあ今夜はこれで。

アンナ。

アンナのブログ

Wed, 28 May 2008 04:10:21 GMT

はじめまして。

ブログを作るなんて初めてです。
いちおう、続くといいんだけど、、、
うちけっこう忘れやすいタイプだからどうなるか分からない。

まぁ、やって見るしかないですね。

ココの友達に読まれたらまずいので、日本語です。
ふつうなら英語ですけど。
（どうせ誰も読まないでしょうけど、一応ねんのために）
だから間違って、たまに変な敬語の使い方とかしちゃうかもしれませんけど、
. . . 日本語でなんて言うのかなぁ。
Bear with me.
. . . です。
＾＾；

今日、あまりイイことはありませんでしたが。
昨日はシアトルに行って一人でショッピング。
楽しかったです。

この頃、ほんっとうに日本が恋しくなってきました。真夜中に北海道の空港について、朝ごはんにビンの牛乳を飲んでメロンパンを食べて魚たちの泳ぐところを見るのが最高でした。
大きな電車に乗りながら自動販売機でかった抹茶を飲むのも最高でした。
あの時は何を食べても良かったですね。
今頃は毎日がダイエットです。そしてもうすぐ夏だっていうのに。
もう、世界はどうなったんだろうか。