The leaves began to change yesterday. I saw the first reds and yellows on branches that are still, mostly, brillilantly green.

Where did all the good things go?

I miss cool fingers against my cheek and long hair tickling my collarbone. I want to hold my cat on my shoulder all day and feel her wamth and her heartbeat against my neck. I want to go down to the beach in the pouring rain and crash against the waves. I want to take a plane and two trains and a bus to Hamatonbetsu. I'd walk to the edge of the city at dawn and look down the highway.

If I could, I'd go out there and tell someone everything I know, but all I'd find is that words are not enough. Not enough for sunsets and sunflowers and for the way the moonlight hits your skin, or for the smell of apple tea, or the way it feels to know that there's nothing you can do.

I'm managing to maintain at about a kilo under what I normally maintain at. And somehow, I look fatter than ever. I still need to lose weight. There are small wrinkles on my tummy, and I don't know if it's because I'm still too fat, or if it's because I lost so much weight. They're not wrinkly-looking like cellulite, just a few long, straight, parallel lines on my lower tummy. I want to lose more. Not a ton more, but a significant amount. So my hip bones stick out, and my tummy is flat, and when I stretch a little, you can see my ribs.

I'm going to start dance classes tomorrow. I'm excited about that. I'm horrid at dancing, not an ounce of talent and I haven't ever taken lessons or taught myself, but I love it. It feels so good, even when you sweat and your throat feels dry. It's exhilarating.

It's too warm. I was so excited for summer, but that it's really here, I'm left bored, lonely, and sweating out of my skin. I want to go swimming like crazy with all my friends, but I also want to look sexy and slender in my Ralph Lauren bikini, and that's easier said than done. As if that'll ever happen. No matter how thin I get, I know I'll never be slender, and it kills me. My hip bones are too big, too wide, too alien to the rest of my body. They're a freakshow in themself.

I'm so excited for summer, I feel like it's going to overflow and spill out of me like white light.

I'm going to stay up all day and all night. I'm going to run through fields of flowers under the sun and dance until my legs give out by the moon. I'm going to travel through a wirlwind frenzy of romances with strangers, trampling on hearts, until the only option left will be to change my name and move to New York. I'll sing loud and clear in the city streets, until I'm left gasping for air, with everyone and anyone who will join me. I'll make something gigantic and beautiful and terrible, and I'll put it all out there for the world to see.

After all, what else is there?

I want a girlfriend like crazy. I've been single for what feels like such an incredibly long time, and it just makes me feel so alone.

A cute girl with short scruffy hair, who doesn't care that my hipbones are far too wide to look anywhere near proportionate, who doesn't worry too much when I don't eat, who doesn't mind that my jeans never ever fit right. A girl who's down to earth, who doesn't play hard to get, who's sweet and sincere, and who can just tell me outright how she feels. One who thinks that my ridiculous clumsiness and lack of coordination are totally adorable, who will kiss me in front of anyone.

I'm probably asking for too much, but I can't help but wish.